Category: the Rant Board
OK, here goes:
I'm in my final year of college, and I'm stressed up to the eyeballs (part of which is, admittedly my own fault, as I thought I was more organised than I actually was). So, now I'm running around like a headless chicken, but am slowly getting it all together and know I'm going to get through this and come out the other side.
But that's not what I want to rant about... what I want to rant about is my Dad. Last night, Ihad a bit of a meltdown to my Mum, who was really understanding and supportive, though she admitted she didn't understand what I was doing, as she didn't do a thesis, and din't go to college, but worked her way up in the bank, so she does understand hard work.
My Dad is also pretty mcuh self-made and owns his own business, and good for him - but that doesn't give him the right, to my mind, to do the following:
come in when I'm in the middle of giving a grind and go rifling through my college computer - which contains nothing but my books, my notes etc.
it doesn't give him the right to question why I haven't written 'a lot' (he only saw one file - he didn't see the pages of notes, the plans and the structures which I'm going to pull together to make my thesis). Inf act, he didn't even ask about them.
I would give anything to be able t move out, but I'm not independent enough, which is, I agree, my own fault - I haven't really been working on it due to college workload and spending a large part of the summers in France/Spain which is a requirement for my degree.
I often think I should have moved out when I started college - but Ireland is so small that if you live in Dublin, then you generally don't move out unless you're going to college in another county, so it would have been unjustifiable.
I want to scream - but then I hate myself because I know how lucky I am tohave parents who care about me - I do some voluntary work where I see plenty of parents who, to be blunt, shouldn't ever have been allowed to have houseplants, never mind kids!
Any suggestions on how I deal with this, without hurting anyone and without being a bitch? I love them... I just really don't live living with them (or more precisely, living with Dad).
thanks for listening.
I don't know much about Irish culture, but I do know this. You're an adult. And as an adult you have both a rite and a responsibility in this matter. You have a rite to your privacy, and to live your life in the manner of your choosing. Your father has, it would seem, jumped to conclusions about your progress, and he did so by going behind your back. Whether he cares for you or not, snooping is hardly an appropriate way of showing that. It may not hurt to password protect your computer after this. But that's where the responsibility comes in. You are responsible for your own actions, and to ensure he understands your feelings on the subject of privacy, and your own progress. You don't have to be cruel or harsh about it, but he does need to know how you feel. It's up to him how he wants to handle that. And if he doesn't like it, it's unfortunate for him. Of course you could just say "Hey, dad? Come over here. Look at all this painstaking work I've put into this project." Make him sit through every file, read it to him word by word ... Okay, so perhaps that last isn't the best idea, but either way communication is key.
I actually agree with BG here. communication is key. this doesn't mean posting on public forums about how pissed you are, but actually telling your dad how you feel. I'm not saying you shouldn't have posted here, by any means, cause it often helps to know others get where you're coming from. however, from the sounds of things, sitting both parents down, sharing your feelings, and perhaps listening to concerns they may have, is the best option. honesty truly is the best policy.
You can not control what your dad says or does. However, you have control of your life and as an adult, you have a rite to protect your posessions. There was no reason for him to go through your computer and invade your privacy, but you can prevent it from happening again. Realizing what you can and can not control wil help. It was your father's decision to do it, so there's no reason to blame yourself and say you hate yourself.
I agree with most of what was said above, but I have to add the following. While you do have a right to privacy in your room and with your possessions, if you havent' demonstrated that you are an adult to your parents, in the way of being responsible and independent, etc. It may seem justifiable to your dad to treat you as he might have done when you were younger. Again, I wholeheartedly am for the idea of individual privacy, and as a parent, I plan to extend that right to my child to some degree even before he is an adult. On the other hand, if I were to play devil's advocate and see this from your father's perspective, he might feel that he's not crossing any boundaries by rifling through your posessions because you're living under his roof, you aren't fully independent as you concede yourself, and, being a college student, I presume you're also financially dependent on him, at least to some degree.
My point is, perhaps if you demonstrate that you are an adult, become responsible for yourself and claim your independents, your father will feel less entitled to your business and your posessions. There's no better way of getting through to someone than through actions if words alone fail to do the trick. I agree communication is the key, but what's the good in it if you will talk the talk but not walk the walk, so to speak. It may not make much sense to you to move out and be on your own because you'd be living within close proximity to your parents' home anyway, but consider this. If you did move out, you'd be living in a space all your own. You'd be forced to be responsible for yourself, and if you needed help, you can always ask your parents to lend a helping hand on appropriate occasions.
I live five minutes away from where my mother lives. I have a one-year-old and a fiance who is also blind, and we aren't even close to rich. While perhaps financially it would make sense that we live with my mother if we're going to live in the same town anyway, we realize that we're being taken more seriously if we live on our own. We have less interference from family and we're free to use our space as we see fit, live our own life and certainly keep our posessions from being invaded or violated. I should ad that I do have a very good relationship with my mom and the rest of my family, and we see each other regularly. She is involved in my baby's life and does help us out with certain things on occasion, mainly with transportation, etc. But she recognizes that we are a family unit, that I'm an adult despite my blindness, and she seems hesitant to interfere when she's not asked to. This is not my mother's nature; She naturally loves to meddle and often gives unsolicited advice to people she's close to. Yet she isn't compelled to live my life for me or overstep her boundaries because I have a life of my own, and she can see it plainly.
Sometimes, with regards to parents, you need to earn their trust enough for them to stay out of your business. Good parents want to protect their children, straighten out their affairs for them, etc. and they often do so without realizing they're being overprotective.
You need to be assertive, for sure. But you also have to take responsibility for your life, your independence and your welfare. This will send a clear message to your father that his daughter has grown up and become a person all of her own accord. He'll be there to help if you need it, as will your mother, I'm sure, but being overly dependent on them for things you should be responsible by yourself only sets you up for this kind of invasion of privacy.
You won't really be hurting your parents' feelings by asserting your right to your own space; Growing up and leaving the nest is only healthy and natural. If you give them the impression that you arent' up to the task of living independently, then of course they'll worry about you. You needn't worry that they'll be offended. Parents often feel sad about their children growing up, but good parents realize that that's the only thing a child can do. Just be sure you learn how to take care of yourself and take control of your own affairs. It seems that since you're about to finish college, it's high time you do so. It's not fair to you, nor is it fair to your parents, believe it or not, for you to remain dependent on them for much longer. Parents who work hard to raise good kids deserve a rest too, you know. lol. Though a parent's job is never quite complete, it's good to get some breathing room of their own after twenty-something years, I'm sure.
I'm not trying to be harsh; I apreciate the situation you seem to be in. I just hope you take at least a bit of my advice to heart.:) It'll be hard at first, but it's the best move for everyone involved.
Best of luck.
Bernadetta brought up an important point. actions do indeed speak much louder than words. after going back and reading your post again, I saw that you said you haven't done much in the way of becoming independent. so, I'd suggest that be your first step, before talking to your parents. cause, more likely than not, they're trying to protect you.
I agree with 2 and 3. Talk to them.
Sure, they might be paying your way, but you have a right now that you are an adult to privacy, no matter what it is you have.
If a parent wishes to help you, they also need to remember you have passed the child stage, so now need to shift gears.
Just because someone is paying your way doesn't give them the rights to your privacy unless they own you, like maybe the computer is theirs or something, or you have agreed to be own, but this is not a situation between a parent and a child.
Password the computer and don't say anything about that, but ask for some privacy. Talk to them as suggested.
Bernadetta's right: believe it or not, this independence thing you are going through is a learning thing for parents as well as kids. And, believe it or not, it's not all about being blind. I have a daughter who's sighted and learning how to be independent. Meaning keep track of their things, make plans, you know the drill. And if they are paying for your costs, you just need to be adult enough and be clear with them regarding what is getting done and how.
My father told me something when I moved out at age 18: He said that his parents never really saw him as an adult until he had gone to Germany for two years in the Service. Before that time, he was married. Now I've seen some of both sides of this one. The daughter is making plans to move out, and still her mom gets after me some for doing too much for her, she's probably right.
It's really rather tough to see the little girl who used to bounce on your knee now all grown up. Ok that one was probably too much information, but you know what I mean. You've gotta learn, but honestly, he's gotta learn, and your best way of making that happen is talk to him like an adult, keep the drama emotional meltdown stuff to a minimum, communicate clearly as to how you are doing things, especially as they relate to what he's paying for. And yeah, moving out at your age will be good for the both of you.
Hi all,
Thank you so much for all your replies! It's so good know there are people out there listening and understanding.
I had a chat with them both, and explained to Dad in particular that I would appreciate it if he asked me before going through my computer. He was very cool about it, once he got where I was coming from.
Re the independence thing, I've arranged for a community resource worker (sorry I don't know what they're called in other countries, it's basically like a social worker who specifically deals with the blind) to come over and help me with cooking, ironing etc.
A friend and I are considering moving in together (we've been toying with the idea for a while, but she's only recently gotten to a stage when she can afford it), and we're thinking of renting a flat, somewhere between where she lives and where I live (so roughtly 10 mins from each home). We've seen a couple of flats already and somes tuff is going to come up, so we hear, around August. So that's the plan, or at least that's the plan for now... hope it happens!
I've told my parents about this and they're happy, though I know it'll be a shock at first. I really do agree, they do need a rest, and I so badly want to give them that.
Oh and I've set the wheels in motion for applying for a guide dog, and put in three job applications today! So I suppose at least things are moving...
All I have to do now if finish this degree.
thanks again!
Hi,
I'm glad things are moving in the right direction. I'm rooting for you so keep us updated as to your situation. Also feel free to say hi if we're both logged on at the same time. I'd be happy to offer any more adive or just talk if you need someone to bounce some ideas off of.
Hi Write Away!
Thanks a million, I really appreciate that! Will do! :)